My Relator operates in 2 extremes: being ever ready to befriend someone, and also ever ready to “unfriend” someone.
Relator has a very sharp radar to detect authenticity, genuineness, and trustworthiness. It allows me to build a deep and trusting relationship with a stranger when my radar is getting all the positive signals. On the other hand, the Relator in me is sensitive to pick up signals when ‘this person won’t go far together’, I would then classify this person as part of ‘surface relationships’
The ‘Through Thick & Thin’ category may not have a long list but this is my treasured list. I need to maintain this list. When I neglect this list for a period of time, I will sense a certain level of emptiness. The fuel for Relator is to regularly charge oneself with deep, authentic and genuine one-to-one catch up from this list.
The ‘Surface Relationships’ category is frequently filled up through a common test I use. Even though there is the convenience of technology, I would intentionally request that the other person meet me at a certain place. My naturally way of thinking is “If this person would not make the slightest effort to meet face to face, this same person will not make a tremendous effort to walk through the tough journey together.” I would love to hear from other Relators regarding their unique ‘common test’.
These are the 5 phases in which I utilize my Relator:
- Open wide to add another authentic relationship
- Close the door slightly when my authenticity is not reciprocated
- Going deep relationally with people in my ‘Through Thick & Thin’ category
- Going ‘deep to a certain level’ with those in my ‘Surface Relationships’ category, to achieve different desired outcomes other than loyalty to friendship
- Going far with those in my ‘Through Thick & Thin’ category
In Point 4, ‘going deep to a certain level’ is the most dynamic depending on one’s Raw or Mature utilization of the Relator talent theme.
In a Raw utilization, the most common behavior is to turn cold to those in ‘Surface Relationships’. There are also other factors that draw a Relator towards Raw utilization:
- Being angry/ frustrated with the person over a certain issue
- Being disappointed with the person for not reciprocating your sincerity
- Feeling rejected by the person’s coldness
- Unforgiveness because the person has wronged you before
In a Mature utilization, a Relator does not simply cut off ties with those in ‘Surface Relationships’, but the friendship will go as deep as possible without reaching the point of being fake. A mature Relator does not allow the mentality of ‘for me or against me’. He/she seeks to achieve different desired outcomes with different ‘Surface Relationships’ by being as genuine as he/she can go. He/she is willing to lay aside the important factor of ‘loyalty to friendship’ for the time being, in order to achieve other necessary outcomes.
There is a Chinese saying: “If you dare not enter the tiger’s den, then you shall never catch the cub.” Personally, if I want others to be truthful, then I naturally start the process by being honest & transparent. I dare to risk my privacy by sharing something that is deep and personal. This is absolutely critical and essential to a Relator’s heart.